20th April 2001
To my dear Ka . . . . .
After your depressingly emotional phone chat this afternoon... I have had a very serious thought about the consequences of our relationship. How I wish that I could provide you with my best undivided attention. If possible, I'd rather be by your side to comfort you in your times of despair. But then again on the other hand, would it be the wise thing to do?
From the recollection of our previous conversation, I keep trying to figure out the meaning to those unspoken words or yours, if there were any. With sharp imaginative eyes, I had tried to peek into the core of your heart. Various possibilities streamingly knocks onto my eardrum.
But no matter how hard I tried, I just can't come up with any answers. Everything seems to be so undecisive. It certainly looks like I am trap in a spiral of confusion. I use to think that I have the resolution to everything. Guess what a joke that was... and undenialabily, the last laugh was on me.
The ringging voices in my head keeps reminding of one sure thing. My deliberate persuasion in extending the course of our relationship have definately implicate you into a severe situation. Which ever ways I try to look at it, my name would still be spelled out as the main ingredient that had disrupt a once harmonic love affair.
Since I had been feeling lonely for quite a long spell, my desperate desire in attempting a meaningful relationship with you was very strong. But later I seems to have realise the wide gap of differences between us. Comparision in terms of our career, materialism and social standings, with you gaining the upper class.
Something inside keeps telling me not to make a fool of myself. Was my ignoring it a major mistake of mine...? I still can't define any verdict to it. But I know that my heart is still stuck between the whispers of love and harsh facts of reality.
Back to the intriging situation that I have cause you. I am not really sure whether you'd like me to continue contacting you or otherwise...! Assuming that it's the otherwise... and you just can't find the words to say it to me... The best way is not to respond to this particular email of mine. I'd understand the meaning of it.
I am kneeling to you on one vital request. Please do not proceed with your foolish intention. Cos if any harm were to come to you in the near future. I'll never forgive myself. For the rest of my life I shall bear the psychological burden of guilt. It's undoubtedly my fault that had lead you to your emotional sufferings.
Even though I am begging you for a mountain of appology... I know that it will never be sufficient to mend your broken heart. I wish that I could do more... but wishes hasn't been kind to me for quite sometime.
Finally, whether with or without me, I'll surrender to what ever the outcome of your decision. The most important consideration is your ultimate happiness. Please do go on enjoying a wonderful and exciting life.
So bye now my adorable lady....
With love yours truely
Jones
Nukilan